God is good!

The only thing I've ever wanted is to be a mom.  My earliest memories are of being with my baby sister and playing with baby dolls.  My dolls  were never thrown around or colored on, they slept in my bed and I carried around a diaper bag whenever I had them with me.  I was practicing being "mom". 

Two months prior to our wedding, I was diagnosed with PCOS.. at the age of 20.  I had no symptoms, just poly-cystic ovaries.  I told Josh and gave him the option of not marrying me for this reason.  Of course, he stuck by my side during months worth of testing and ultrasounds.  Our honeymoon and first couple months of marriage were overshadowed by my pain and worry and a diagnosis of a fibroid tumor.  We prayed and prayed and had people in church praying for us.  In November of 2008, I went for another ultrasound and the cysts were gone with no trace of ever being there.  Now I know some people don't believe in God or that He heals people.  I saw the first 3 tests that had showed the cysts and I saw the last one that showed NOTHING.  I'm living proof that God does heal!

Fast forward to September 2009. I went in for a check up because I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen.  The dr. said I had all the tell-tale signs and symptoms of endometriosis and wanted to schedule surgery.  When the she told me it would be hard for me to conceive, if I conceived at all, my world shattered and I went numb!  I don't remember hearing anything she said after that.  I remember driving myself home that day, I cried the entire way.  Why was this happening to me?   I knew that God could heal me but the blow of another negative diagnosis was too much to make me think logically at that time and I needed that time to greive.  When Josh got home I told him the news. He blamed himself even though it was my body that was the issue.. again.  We sat there together and prayed that God would have His way in our lives.  We went on with life as usual  after that.  We decided we weren't going to try to get pregnant, that way we wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen.. but we weren't preventing it either.  God would bless us with a baby when He was ready.  We asked people to be praying on our behalf, knowing that prayer works.  Josh and I have seen God do miraculous things time and time again and we knew that He had the final say.

On Sept. 18, I was at a women's convention with the ladies from my church, and I'll never forget it.  The preacher said, "Today, God is birthing something in you that you've never experienced!"  The rest of the morning I had cramps and weird pains that I'd never felt before.  10 Days later, I took a pregnancy test and got my positive!  On May 31, 2010 at 1:43am, I looked my sweet daughter in the eyes and knew with all my heart that God had given this gift to us!

Those 20 days of not knowing if I'd ever live my dream and have babies was hard for me.  I had to fully give it up to God and when I let go, He did the miraculous.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  This verse says it all.  When you trust God with all you have, He will give you direction.  He sees the whole road, the whole journey, the big picture.  We only see what's right in front of us.  God had a bigger and better plan than I ever dreamed for myself!

The whole point of writing today came out because I was thinking of my friend.  She got pregnant this summer with her first baby.  When I found out, I was excited and overjoyed for her because I know that she's wanted a baby for a while but never thought she'd find the right man to marry and start a family with.  Unfortunately, she miscarried at 14 weeks, just 1 week before her wedding.  Everything seemed as if it was going perfectly and one week to the next the baby was gone.  I had a dream with her last week and God prompted me to send her a text the next morning.  When I did she responded with, "I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant again.  My hormone levels keep going up and all is good so far."  I expressed my excitement again and told her to keep me updated!

Last night as I was prepping dinner for my in-laws I got a text.  "It wasn't meant for me.  No hearbeat."  My heart sunk to the floor and I got a knot in my stomach.  I was instantly brought back to those 20 days of the "unknown".  I sympathize with her because I know the feeling of not knowing if it'll ever happen but I don't totally understand her pain because I've never lost a child.  I told her we'd be praying for her, that the doctors would find answers as to why this keeps happening to her.  When I saw my little girl last night, I hugged her and kissed her little face and silently thanked God for her life!

I end with this.. We don't know what's in store for our lives but God has a plan.. "a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)  All you have to do is trust in Him!

Looking back

I'm finding it very hard to believe it's already November and that my sweet baby girl is going to be 6 months in just 3 short weeks.  I don't know where the time goes!  It feels like just yesterday I was in the hospital getting ready to see her little face for the first time.  Yet at the same time, it feels like she's been with us forever.  I'm sure all parents feel that way!

I constantly find myself looking back at pictures and remembering what she was like as a newborn and one and two months old.  What I didn't realize until just this week is that the more I look back, the more I miss what she's doing in the present.  As much as I loved her as a tiny, little, fragile baby, I love all the new things she's doing!  She smiles and squeals when she gets excited, she pulls herself up to a sitting position if she's laying down and doesn't want to be, and she's been holding her own bottle for a couple of weeks now.  She's becoming quite the little independent girl!  It's so awsome to see her grow right before my eyes.  I'm so proud of how well she's thriving and all the new things she does from day to day.  I'm also afraid to blink out of fear of missing something. 

Today I had someone tell me, "In a few years you'll be praying for her to be grown up and out of the house."  I'm sure we'll have our arguments and differences as she grows up and I'm sure there were will be challenging times as well.  Right now, I just want to enjoy her happy little smile and her excitement when she sees me or her Daddy, her tiny little fingers and toes, the way she squeals when she sees the dog, the way she coos and blows raspberries... I know that not before long I'll be looking back and saying, "Remember when..."

Sweet Girl, keep growing but try not to grow so fast!  

Until next time!

Thankful for life!

I've seen a lot of my friends start up blogs lately and thought, "What the heck, why not?"  I've always been a writer-  I had a xanga in high school (geez, who else had one of those?) and after Christmas last year I had started a journal to Ariella. This will sort of be like the journal of our lives.

I've challenged myself this November to post one thing that I'm thankful for, leading up to Thanksgiving.  I missed day 1, so Day 2 for me was the gift of Salvation.  There's nothing like knowing you have hope!  Hope in a God who sees all things and knows all things.  Most days it's hard to let go and just let God handle the issues but it's nice to know that even when I fail because of my stubbornness, He's always there to catch me!  That brings me so much comfort!  If you don't know God on a personal level, I encourage you to find a church.  There is a Heavenly Father who loves you, no matter what your faults or weaknesses and He's waiting with arms out stretched for you! 

Day 3 was thankfulness for my husband :)  We met when I was just a teenager in high school.  When I fell for him, I fell hard.  We have had ups and downs and it seems like the first few years of our relationship, there were more downs than ups because of things that were going on around us.  But even being so young, we both new we had found "the one" and those challenges we faced only made us stronger.  I look at him now, more than 6 years later, and I still see that blue-eyed boy that stole my heart.  We've been married 2 years now and we have a gorgeous little girl and God couldn't have written our story any better!  God has blessed us immensly and I can't wait to see what surprises He has in store for us down the road!  Baby, thank you for choosing me to hold your hand as we take this journey called life, I love you more everyday!

Day 4 of course was thankfulness for my little Ariella.  There's a background story to this little miracle.  I had gone to the dr. early in September of 2009 and she had told me that due to some issues, I wouldn't be able to conceive easy, if at all.  My world shattered that day.  All I have EVER wanted out of life was to be a mom.  We sought God and we people in our church praying and we let it go and gave it up to God.  That was the HARDEST thing for me to do, give up the only dream I had and say, "God whatever your plan is, I'm ok with it."  To make a long story short, God blessed us (dispite what the doctors deemed impossible) and by the end of September I had a postive pregnancy test in my hand!  If I said thank you every waking second of the day, it still wouldn't be enough!  Ariella has brought such joy, love and laughter to our home!  She's only been alive for 5 months but it feels like she's always been here.  My sweet daughter, I love you more than I can express with words!

Day 5:  Today I'm thanking God for my family.  My biological family, family that I married into and those friends that have turned into family.  Like I said on facebook, they have all helped shape me into the woman I am today.  Some brought challenges into my life that I had to overcome but with every challenge, God has taught me something new and for that I can't help but be thankful!  You all have been my backbone at times or have prayed with me or for me when I didn't have the strength to go on.  I thank God for all the things I've learned from you all along the way! :)

That's it for today, it's just about time to head home to see my sweet husband and little girl!  Enjoy your weekend!

Until next time,
Ang :)