God is good!

The only thing I've ever wanted is to be a mom.  My earliest memories are of being with my baby sister and playing with baby dolls.  My dolls  were never thrown around or colored on, they slept in my bed and I carried around a diaper bag whenever I had them with me.  I was practicing being "mom". 

Two months prior to our wedding, I was diagnosed with PCOS.. at the age of 20.  I had no symptoms, just poly-cystic ovaries.  I told Josh and gave him the option of not marrying me for this reason.  Of course, he stuck by my side during months worth of testing and ultrasounds.  Our honeymoon and first couple months of marriage were overshadowed by my pain and worry and a diagnosis of a fibroid tumor.  We prayed and prayed and had people in church praying for us.  In November of 2008, I went for another ultrasound and the cysts were gone with no trace of ever being there.  Now I know some people don't believe in God or that He heals people.  I saw the first 3 tests that had showed the cysts and I saw the last one that showed NOTHING.  I'm living proof that God does heal!

Fast forward to September 2009. I went in for a check up because I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen.  The dr. said I had all the tell-tale signs and symptoms of endometriosis and wanted to schedule surgery.  When the she told me it would be hard for me to conceive, if I conceived at all, my world shattered and I went numb!  I don't remember hearing anything she said after that.  I remember driving myself home that day, I cried the entire way.  Why was this happening to me?   I knew that God could heal me but the blow of another negative diagnosis was too much to make me think logically at that time and I needed that time to greive.  When Josh got home I told him the news. He blamed himself even though it was my body that was the issue.. again.  We sat there together and prayed that God would have His way in our lives.  We went on with life as usual  after that.  We decided we weren't going to try to get pregnant, that way we wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen.. but we weren't preventing it either.  God would bless us with a baby when He was ready.  We asked people to be praying on our behalf, knowing that prayer works.  Josh and I have seen God do miraculous things time and time again and we knew that He had the final say.

On Sept. 18, I was at a women's convention with the ladies from my church, and I'll never forget it.  The preacher said, "Today, God is birthing something in you that you've never experienced!"  The rest of the morning I had cramps and weird pains that I'd never felt before.  10 Days later, I took a pregnancy test and got my positive!  On May 31, 2010 at 1:43am, I looked my sweet daughter in the eyes and knew with all my heart that God had given this gift to us!

Those 20 days of not knowing if I'd ever live my dream and have babies was hard for me.  I had to fully give it up to God and when I let go, He did the miraculous.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  This verse says it all.  When you trust God with all you have, He will give you direction.  He sees the whole road, the whole journey, the big picture.  We only see what's right in front of us.  God had a bigger and better plan than I ever dreamed for myself!

The whole point of writing today came out because I was thinking of my friend.  She got pregnant this summer with her first baby.  When I found out, I was excited and overjoyed for her because I know that she's wanted a baby for a while but never thought she'd find the right man to marry and start a family with.  Unfortunately, she miscarried at 14 weeks, just 1 week before her wedding.  Everything seemed as if it was going perfectly and one week to the next the baby was gone.  I had a dream with her last week and God prompted me to send her a text the next morning.  When I did she responded with, "I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant again.  My hormone levels keep going up and all is good so far."  I expressed my excitement again and told her to keep me updated!

Last night as I was prepping dinner for my in-laws I got a text.  "It wasn't meant for me.  No hearbeat."  My heart sunk to the floor and I got a knot in my stomach.  I was instantly brought back to those 20 days of the "unknown".  I sympathize with her because I know the feeling of not knowing if it'll ever happen but I don't totally understand her pain because I've never lost a child.  I told her we'd be praying for her, that the doctors would find answers as to why this keeps happening to her.  When I saw my little girl last night, I hugged her and kissed her little face and silently thanked God for her life!

I end with this.. We don't know what's in store for our lives but God has a plan.. "a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)  All you have to do is trust in Him!